


Vulnerable

by Miko



Category: Zombie Loan
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-21
Updated: 2009-12-21
Packaged: 2017-10-04 19:32:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/33340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miko/pseuds/Miko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Letting someone get close to you means allowing yourself to be vulnerable - in more ways than one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Vulnerable

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Albireo](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Albireo).



Akatsuki was moping. Not that Shito paid attention to the monkey's moods, and he certainly didn't _care_. Unless it affected Akatsuki's performance on the job, of course. Things hadn't gotten that far yet, but the way Akatsuki was dragging around like a wet kleenex Shito could hardly help but notice. If the heartfelt sighs hadn't clued him in, the way Akatsuki was picking at his food without actually eating any of it would have been a good indication.

It wasn't as bad as when the idiot's moron of a friend had gotten himself reaped, but it was rapidly approaching that level.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Shito demanded. When the other boy didn't even look up from his soulful contemplation of his rice bowl, Shito kicked him sharply in the ankle.

"Huh?" Akatsuki did look up at that, but instead of getting angry, he just blinked at Shito and continued to look miserable. If Shito had been inclined to worry about his partner - which he certainly was _not_ \- he'd have been more concerned by that lack of reaction than everything else combined.

"I said, what the hell is wrong with you?" Shito repeated, irritated and not bothering to hide it. "You're acting like your best friend just died. Again."

Akatsuki winced, and Kita Michiru covered her mouth in shock. Yoimachi Koyomi shook her head and spoke. "Ooh, that was harsh, Shito. I know tact isn't your strong point, but seriously."

"I'm fine, nothing is wrong," Akatsuki said. He sounded like he was trying for 'annoyed', but ended up mostly 'apathetic'. That alone put the lie to his words.

The blatant falsehood made Shito more irritated in turn. "If you're going to lie, at least do a decent job of it," he said, frowning at his partner.

"Aw, leave him be, Shito." Asou Soutetsu leaned back in his chair, grinning. "He's just suffering his first broken heart, that's all. It'll happen to you someday, too."

"He'd have to have a heart first," Akatsuki grumbled, glaring at Asou. "And mine is not broken! It's not like I was in love with her or anything."

"Right, which is why you're sulking and not eating," Yoimachi said, nodding. "Definitely not a broken heart."

"In love with who?" Shito asked, feeling like he was missing an important part of the conversation.

"Didn't you know?" Kita looked surprised. "Chika-kun has a girlfriend."

"Girlfriend?" Shito repeated, staring at Akatsuki. When the hell had that happened? And how had Shito missed it? When had Akatsuki had _time_? Something heavy settled in Shito's stomach like a lump of lead, and he scowled at Akatsuki.

"_Had_ a girlfriend," Asou snickered. "For all of, what, three weeks?"

"She wasn't my girlfriend, damn it! It was just a couple of dates," Akatsuki said, finally starting to get mad. Even so Shito could tell his heart wasn't really in it. He'd obviously been more attached to the girl than he was admitting. The thought made Shito's scowl deepen.

"You were wasting time dating some hare-brained harlot for _three weeks_?" Shito was incensed. "You told me you were working on the nights you didn't want to go hunting!"

"I was!" Akatsuki protested. "Emiko works at the store with me; we went out after our shifts for coffee and... stuff."

"Oh, _stuff_," Asou said wisely. "Is that what they're calling it these days? I hear she's got quite the reputation. Older than you, too. How far'd you get?"

"None of your damn business!" There was a bit more life in Akatsuki's anger now, and his cheeks flushed bright red.

Kita was blushing too, her eyes huge above the hand she still had clamped over her mouth. Yoimachi was giggling like she'd had too much Fanta, and Asou was smirking. The weight in Shito's gut turned from lead to acid. Bad enough to think that Akatsuki had been lazing around, spending his time flirting with some girl. But he'd been out doing _that_?

"You're disgusting." It took Shito a moment to realize the harsh voice was his own. He hadn't meant to speak, but he found himself continuing before his brain could override his tongue. "I already knew you were a useless waste of space, but this is beyond belief. Don't even think about trying to sneak into my bed looking for comfort, asshole."

He shoved his chair back with a violent motion, and realized his hands were actually shaking. He clenched them into fists to hide it, and headed for the door at the fastest speed that would let him keep his dignity. He would not let them think he was running out of the room.

"Wait, wait, what?" Asou sounded shocked, but Shito didn't look back to see what his expression was. "You two slept together? When did this happen, and why didn't anyone tell me?"

"It wasn't like that!" Akatsuki was truly angry now; Shito knew the sound of that emotion in his voice well enough. "Damn it, Shito, don't you just walk away after saying something like that. Shito? Shito! Come back here!"

Ignoring him, Shito ploughed through the cafeteria doors, head down and focused on nothing but getting back to his own room. He wanted to shoot something, preferably Akatsuki, but he'd have to go back and trade hands with the asshole for that. It wasn't worth it.

Decades of abuse and indoctrination had left Shito with a deep-seated certainty that sex was for hurting people. In his head he knew that people had sex all the time without it hurting anyone, that most people would never even think about using it to dominate and manipulate and torment their victim. But his gut said something else entirely. In his heart, all he could remember was his last encounter with Toho, and the way the bastard had done whatever the hell he'd wanted while Shito was powerless to stop him.

The memory was so repugnant that Shito actually gagged, and had to stop for a moment to lean against the wall until his legs stopped trembling. That proved to be a tactical error, as it gave Akatsuki a chance to catch up to him.

"Hey!" Akatsuki grabbed him by the shoulder and yanked him around. "Damn it, Shito, I'm not done talking to you."

"Too bad, I'm more than done with you," Shito said, using a sneer to cover how shaken he still was. It wasn't hard to summon disdain for Akatsuki, especially at the moment. "Why don't you go find another girl to make you feel better, instead?"

Akatsuki's grip changed to a fist in Shito's shirt, and the boy snarled at him. "What the _fuck_ is your problem? The hell do you care if I've got a girlfriend or not? I already told you, I wasn't wasting any fucking time with her!"

At least Akatsuki's disturbing apathy had vanished. Anger, Shito knew how to deal with. He grabbed his partner's shirt in turn, hauling Akatsuki half off his feet. "I just don't want to sit around listening to details about your perverted sexual escapades," Shito said, eyes narrowing.

"Perverted!" Akatsuki's hand tightened. "What the fuck do you know about it, you arrogant son of a bitch? Why do you even care?"

"I don't," Shito snapped. "Except I don't want you using _my hand_ to do disgusting things. So just switch with me before you go play kissyface with your whores, and I'll be able to get some work done. Don't come whining to me when you can't make your loan payment, either."

To his surprise Akatsuki actually backed off a few inches, and for a moment Shito thought he had won.

"You..." Akatsuki's eyes had gone wide, and he sounded disbelieving. "Are you _jealous_?"

Shito went stiff in his grasp. Jealous? Of that monkey? "Try not to be any more idiotic than your natural lack of intelligence already forces you to be," Shito said, in what he thought was an appropriately scathing tone.

Akatsuki either didn't notice, or didn't care. "You are, you're totally jealous," he crowed.

"I have less than no interest in whether you're around, except inasmuch as it affects _my_ ability to hunt," Shito snarled. "If you want to waste your life chasing skirts, fine, but do it on your own damn time!"

For some reason, that made Akatsuki looked surprised again. "Really," he said, his voice oddly flat. "Funny you should say that. 'Cause _I_ meant you were jealous _of_ me, not _over_ me."

Shito cursed silently as he realized how his words had sounded. He had so little interest in the girls that flocked around him at school that it hadn't even occurred to him that Akatsuki might be implying he was jealous of _that_.

Now the idiot looked entirely too smug, as if he'd somehow scored a point on Shito. That couldn't be permitted. Shito needed to distract him, quickly.

"Please," he snorted. "Why would I need to be jealous of you for that? I could have a girl any time I wanted, and unlike you I'd be able to keep her satisfied." It was his turn to smirk, as Akatsuki's face turned an interesting shade of red. "Were you that bad in bed? Figures."

Red deepened to purple, and the boy's golden eyes were snapping with more fury than Shito had ever seen before. Considering the heated level of their normal arguments, that was saying something. Worse, instead of shouting incoherent insults, Akatsuki firmed his grip on Shito's shirt and turned away, forcibly dragging Shito down the hall after him.

Perhaps, just a little bit, that uncharacteristic silence unnerved Shito. Not that he was afraid of Akatsuki, far from it. He could handle the snot-nosed brat. But he might have crossed a line he shouldn't have. He really didn't feel like finding out what Akatsuki's retribution was going to be.

Shito dug his heels in, trying to pull Akatsuki off balance, but the boy was stronger than he looked. "What the hell are you doing?" Shito hissed.

"We are not having this discussion in the hallway," Akatsuki said, his voice still disturbingly emotionless. He flicked a glance down the hall, and Shito followed his gaze to see three familiar heads poking around the corner. Yoimachi had a hand clamped over her mouth to stifle her giggles, and Kita had her eyes covered like she thought they were going to kill each other. All they needed to complete the set would be for Asou to be plugging his ears, but he just grinned and waved unrepentantly when he saw Shito and Akatsuki looking.

"We're not having this discussion at all, Akatsuki," Shito insisted, still trying to pull away right up to the moment when Akatsuki slammed the door of his room shut behind them.

Akatsuki leaned in close, pinning Shito against the door, his eyes glittering dangerously. It wasn't the first time Shito had seen that look, usually right before Akatsuki eviscerated a zombie that had particularly pissed him off. However Shito had never seen it aimed at _him_ before, no matter how bad their arguments got.

Despite himself Shito's knees went weak, and the lump in his stomach exploded into butterflies. This reminded him too much of the times when Toho was toying with him, except that Akatsuki was angry enough to do real damage to him if Shito didn't stop him.

"Now, say that again, asshole," Akatsuki challenged him, his voice a low growl.

No matter what, Shito could not let Akatsuki think he'd gotten the better of him, and that meant he couldn't back down. "I said, she probably dumped you because you were so bad in bed," he taunted, grateful that his voice didn't tremble. "If you even got that far. Probably you scared her off just kissing her."

"What the hell would you know about it?" Akatsuki snarled. "You're so damned frigid I bet you've never been kissed in your life. Let alone gotten laid."

Shito snorted. The idiot was so far off base it wasn't even funny, but Shito certainly wasn't going to explain all the many and varied ways in which the brat was wrong. "You know nothing about me, Akatsuki," was all he said.

"Yeah? Well, you don't know a damned thing about me," the boy retorted. "Certainly not how I kiss, and _definitely_ not how good a lay I am."

"I know you're sloppy and careless, rude and self-centered," Shito said. "The word 'finesse' isn't even in your vocabulary. You probably think that just sticking your tongue in her mouth is enough to make it good. You wouldn't know the first thing about..."

Even though he'd been halfway provoking it, Shito was still caught by surprise when Akatsuki hauled him in and kissed him. It was far from gentle, Akatsuki was too angry for that. Shito went rigid in his grasp, not fighting but not participating, either.

So he'd been right after all. Akatsuki was just like all the others, using sex as one more way to try to dominate and break him. Shito felt vindicated, mixed with a sense of hopeless despair. There had been a minuscule part of him that was starting to believe that perhaps, just maybe, Akatsuki was different. That it might be safe to open up to him, a tiny bit, since they were stuck together anyway.

Now he was glad he'd kept his reserve. It let him hold on to his dignity as Akatsuki pulled away, let him glare at the boy despite the way he was trembling subtly.

Akatsuki's eyes were wide, and a faint blush stained his cheeks. He swallowed hard, his breathing a little too fast. "Yeah, so." His voice came out husky, and he cleared his throat. "See? I know what I'm doing." His previous anger had vanished as if it had never been. He looked rather stunned, all things considered, as if he hadn't been the one to initiate the kiss.

Shito couldn't help himself. It was like poking at a wound, knowing he might make it worse but compelled by a sort of sick fascination to see how deep it went. He needed to know how far Akatsuki would go, how bad it really was, if only so he could console himself with the knowledge that he'd been right all along. He needed to know for certain that Akatsuki would hurt him given the chance, so that he would be justified in all his hatred and contempt for the boy.

"Please," he rasped, the words emerging without checking with his brain first for permission. "If that's the best you can do, it probably _is_ why she dumped you."

Just that fast the rage was back, and Shito seriously thought Akatsuki would just haul off and punch him. Not that _that_ would be anything new, and wouldn't prove anything one way or the other. "Oh yeah? Let's see you do better then, hotshot," Akatsuki challenged him, a reckless light in his eyes. "Since you're such a fucking expert."

That... wasn't quite what Shito had expected. Akatsuki wanted _him_ to initiate the contact this time? Why, so he could claim later that Shito had asked for it?

He'd hesitated too long, because Akatsuki's expression changed to one of disdain. "Yeah, that's what I thought," the boy said. "You're talking out your ass." He stepped back, and started to turn away with a dismissive gesture.

Without allowing himself to think about what he was doing, Shito grabbed him by the arm and hauled him close again, leaning in to fasten their mouths together. He couldn't let Akatsuki think he'd gotten the upper hand. And he certainly _could_ demonstrate that Akatsuki was a rotten kisser.

Since he was attempting to prove a point Shito tried to be gentle, but his rage and despair at the whole mess spilled over despite his best efforts to hold his emotions in check. His grip was tight enough to bruise, and he bit at Akatsuki's lips roughly. Even so it was a far better kiss than the awkward embrace Akatsuki had forced on him.

The monkey certainly seemed to agree. He made a startled noise when Shito first grabbed him, then moaned and opened his mouth, kissing back with equal savagery. His hand came up to fist in Shito's hair, using just enough force to tug his head back without causing real pain. Shito let himself be guided, submitting more out of conditioning and caution than desire.

Akatsuki made a sound that was something close to triumph, and leaned in closer. He had Shito pinned against the door, pressed together along the length of their bodies. Shito would give the idiot this much, he was a fast learner. He took what Shito had just shown him and improved on it, biting and licking at Shito's mouth until Shito gave in and opened beneath the assault, allowing Akatsuki deeper access.

That just encouraged him, of course. With a low growl that almost sounded like a satisfied purr, Akatsuki flicked his tongue over the sensitive areas inside Shito's mouth. Despite himself Shito moaned and melted into the contact. The brat shifted, insinuating one leg between Shito's, so that Akatsuki's thigh was pressed against Shito's cock and he could feel Akatsuki's hard length digging into his own leg.

It made him moan again as his body responded, groin tightening as blood rush to pool in his cock. There was no way Akatsuki could miss that sign of helpless surrender. Now he would press his advantage. He would break off the kiss, which was still forceful but not painful, and start biting or clawing. Then he would order Shito to his knees, or force him to demean himself by begging.

Surely.

Shito was so convinced it would happen that he could feel himself shaking, tears of betrayal and dismay trying to force their way past his tightly shut eyelids. He held them back with a savage effort of will, determined not to give Akatsuki the satisfaction of seeing him cry.

Akatsuki did break the kiss, allowing them both to snatch ragged gulps of much-needed air. And he did drop his mouth to the sensitive column of Shito's neck, tugging again on his hair to force him to arch into the touch. But his grip on Shito's hair didn't tighten, and while his other hand was clamped on Shito's hip hard enough to bruise, it was no more than the strength with which Shito was clinging to Akatsuki's shoulders in turn.

A startled gasp escaped him when Akatsuki rocked his hips, grinding up against Shito's now hard cock. It was almost, _almost_ enough to hurt, but that just made the pleasure all the more intense. Akatsuki groaned against Shito's neck and did it again, and then again, setting a rough pace that made streaks of heat rush through Shito's body to pool in his groin.

He found himself rocking back, pushing against Akatsuki with increasing urgency. It felt _good_, pleasure with no pain and even though Shito's mind was still waiting for the other shoe to drop, his body was shameless about enjoying it while he had it. Tiny gasps and whimpers filled the air, and his cheeks burned when he realized the noises were coming from _him_.

Akatsuki was making some noises of his own, needy growls that seemed to reverberate in Shito's whole body, making him shake with desire instead of fear. Shito could feel that Akatsuki was trembling too, his growling interspersed with soft, almost desperate swearing. Still the boy did nothing to hurt, nothing to humiliate - he just kept rocking and rocking, clutching at Shito like he thought he was going to shatter if he let go, and whispering curses that sounded more like pleas.

Then lust and need swept every other concern aside, and Shito cried out as he strained against Akatsuki. Orgasm hit him hard; for perhaps the first time in his long life the sensation of ecstasy wasn't tainted by pain, shame, or both. For a long moment he thought he might have lost contact with the world entirely, engulfed in more pleasure than he knew how to handle.

Just as he began to recover he felt Akatsuki shudder against him and go still, panting harshly against the sensitive skin of Shito's neck. He was leaning his full weight on Shito as if his bones had vanished, and Shito was vaguely grateful for the solid door at his back now holding them both up.

As sense returned, Shito realized he was _still_ waiting for the axe to fall. His heart was thundering in his chest, pounding so hard he could feel it up in his throat. Akatsuki could still turn this against him, use it to belittle him or manipulate him...

Instead, when the boy finally gathered himself enough to back off, his expression was one of astonishment and _vulnerability_. Shito caught his breath sharply. He hadn't seen Akatsuki so blatantly exposed since... since that idiot Shiba had died. The raw emotion was disquieting, especially since Shito had a nasty feeling similar emotions were showing on his own face. Nothing about this encounter had gone the way he'd expected it to.

"You've never had sex before." Shito spoke without realizing he intended to, without even consciously coming to that conclusion. It was certainly an obvious conclusion to come to - Akatsuki had been too awkward, too swept up in the sensations.

Akatsuki flushed again and averted his eyes. "You're an asshole," he replied in a seeming non sequitur. There was none of his usual heat behind the words, however, and when he looked back he seemed uncharacteristically uncertain. Like he thought _Shito_ was going to use this against _him_.

Belatedly Shito realized he was still clinging to Akatsuki. He released his grip hastily, and the boy took a step back and cleared his throat. He still looked like he wasn't sure what to do or say next.

It occurred to Shito in that moment that he _could_ turn the tables. He could say something typically scathing, make Akatsuki feel degraded or dirty, and put himself in power over the boy. He could make sure it would never even enter Akatsuki's mind that he might be able to use sex to gain an advantage over Shito.

He also realized that he didn't want to. Doing so would make him no better than Toho, and for all that Akatsuki's bizarre refusal to hurt him left Shito feeling disturbingly off-balance, he'd done nothing to merit that sort of treatment in return. Contrary to all Shito's expectations.

Maybe... maybe he'd been right in the first place, and Akatsuki was someone he could actually trust. Just a little.

"Are you going to stop moping around over that stupid girl, now?" he asked instead.

With a snarl, Akatsuki turned and punched the wall hard enough to add another crack to the already crumbling stone. Shito was startled, not having expected quite so much anger in response to what seemed to him to be a simple question.

"For fuck's sake, it was never about the fucking _girl_, all right?" Akatsuki glared at him furiously. "I told you, it's not like I was fucking in love with her. She was kinda hot, and pretty nice, and she asked me out so I said 'yes'. I could have three more just like her any time I wanted, if I played up to the fucking fluffbrains at school a little."

"Then why the hell were you dragging around like a whipped puppy?" Shito demanded, thoroughly confused.

"You know why she dumped me? Because I was fucking _lying_ to her, Shito, and she damned well knew it." Akatsuki ground his teeth together hard enough that it was audible. "I would break dates to go hunting with you, and it's not like I could exactly tell her why, could I? So she thought I was seeing somebody else behind her back. It's just one more fucking reminder that my life is about as far from normal as it can get! I can't be with my family, I can't keep a fucking girlfriend for more than a few weeks, and the gods alone know how long it will be before I can ever let anyone _really_ get close to me again!"

"I... oh." Shito wasn't quite certain what to say to that. With the exception of his mother he had no true family to speak of, and she was beyond his reach and had been for a long time. Girlfriends were so low on his priority list that he honestly wasn't sure what he'd do with one if he had one. Drive her away, most likely. He'd never _wanted_ to let someone get close to him like that.

Until, maybe, now.

"Well, you've got me." It came out gruffly, and Shito couldn't quite bring himself to meet Akatsuki's eyes. "You're stuck with me, that is, and you might as well make the best of it. Idiot," he added for good measure, lest Akatsuki decide this was supposed to turn into a disgustingly sappy moment.

Akatsuki looked startled again, and then absurdly grateful. "Yeah, I guess so," he said, just as gruff. For an instant they shared one of the extremely rare moments of complete understanding that sometimes passed between them, both seeing a little deeper into each other's souls than before.

Then Shito turned away, unwilling and unable to sustain such vulnerability. "Let's go hunting," he said. He didn't want to think about what had just happened, and the best way to avoid it seemed to be by giving himself something more innocuous to focus on.

Perhaps Akatsuki felt the same, because he nodded. "Yeah, lemme just, uh.... clean up a bit." He flushed.

His words made Shito abruptly aware of the mess he'd left in his own pants, and his skin crawled. Ugh, how could he have _forgotten_ that he was standing there wearing _soiled clothing_ for the last several minutes? He shuddered. "Yes. Clean first, then hunt," he agreed hastily. "I'll meet you in the lobby in twenty minutes."

He left the room at something less than a run but faster than a walk, feeling a little like he was running away. The whole encounter had left him completely confused and totally off-balance, as if the world had shifted and suddenly everything was sideways.

He wasn't sure why that felt so much like an improvement.

* * *

Things changed between them after that. Subtly, but irrevocably. They certainly did _not_ get all mushy, and in fact they never spoke of what had happened that night. Yet it stood between them like an invisible elephant, and Shito thought nothing would ever be the same again.

They still fought, of course. But the arguments carried less heat than they once had, and occasionally the taunting led to laughter instead of fistfights. Chika seemed a little less angry with the world, and Shito felt a little less warily paranoid, and somehow it all ended up better than before.

For the first time in his entire life, Shito had someone he thought _might_ just deserve the title of 'friend'.

That, of course, was exactly when everything went straight to hell.

This time he got no warning that it was coming. Shito was actually feeling rather content with his life, smiling to himself as he checked the new balance in his loan book after a hunt that had been far more successful than they'd had any right to expect.

"Did you want to go for dinner?" he asked, not bothering to look up as he spoke. For some reason it was easier to make these tiny gestures of friendship if he wasn't looking at Chika. It made him feel more like he was speaking to the air, and the boy just happened to be near enough to hear and take him up on it.

This time there was no answer, however. He glanced back over his shoulder to see that Chika had stopped walking, and was staring into an alley that Shito had just passed. "What's wrong, Akatsuki?" Though he increasingly thought of the boy as 'Chika' in his own mind, he couldn't quite bring himself to say the name yet. It would encourage the idiot too much.

Chika didn't so much as glance at him, his attention completely focused on whatever it was he was looking at. Frowning, Shito turned to retrace his steps, straining to see anything in the oddly dense darkness between buildings. "What are you..."

Too late he saw the desperate tension in Chika's muscles, realized that the boy was actually _frozen_ and not just still. Shito's heart dropped into his stomach, and he summoned his gun in a reflexive reaction.

As if it would make a difference. As if he had any hope of defending himself, let alone Akatsuki. "Toho," he whispered, sick with the certainty of it.

"I'm glad to hear you haven't forgotten me entirely, Shaoye."

Shito would have known that voice anywhere, the way the bastard managed to sound like his words were formed of silk soaked in poisoned honey. "Show yourself, asshole," he snarled, anger a thin layer of bravado over his fear. Why was the exorcist here, now? What did he want? And why had he immobilized Chika and not Shito?

Toho obliged him, the shadows wisping away to reveal him standing in the alley where he'd been all along. His smile was as wide as ever, his expression suggesting that all he wanted was for them all to sit down to tea and have a nice chat. Shito had known the man for the exorcist's entire life, and it wasn't hard for him to see the subtle threat beneath the charm.

"Now, now, there's no need to be rude, Shaoye," Toho chided him. "Whatever will your little friend think of your manners?"

Something cold and heavy settled in the pit of Shito's stomach. "Let him go, Toho," he said, forcing his voice to stay steady. "This is between you and me; he's got nothing to do with this." If he could at least get Chika out of the line of fire, perhaps Shito could keep some tiny shred of his dignity when Toho forced him to submit utterly. He didn't want Chika to see him like that, to understand how weak and worthless he truly was.

"On the contrary." The look in Toho's eyes made Shito shiver - or maybe shudder was a better word, because revulsion burned like acid in his throat. "He has everything to do with it, I'm afraid. But this is no place for a discussion. Come along."

The exorcist twitched his fingers in a summoning gesture and turned to walk away, seemingly uncaring of whether Shito obeyed his command or not. Chika finally came to life again, but Shito could see that he wasn't moving under his own power. He stumbled along behind Toho, his jerky gait and the terrified frustration Shito could see in his eyes betraying the fact that he was helpless to disobey.

Shito had no such compulsion placed on him. But then, he didn't need one, did he? He trailed the other two of his own free will, feet dragging with misery but unable to do anything else. Even if Toho hadn't held Chika hostage, Shito knew he would have obeyed. He always did, eventually - and doing it right away meant less pain than struggling.

Not an escape from pain entirely - nothing he could say or do would grant him that. But at least he could keep 'pain' from becoming 'agony'. Sometimes.

He wasn't certain how long they walked or how far they went. He grew increasingly lost in his own brooding, the dreadful anticipation of what was coming almost worse than the act itself. Toho often left him waiting for just that reason, his imagination coming up with myriad horrors to torture himself with.

And yet somehow the reality always managed to be worse in the end.

The place they arrived in was obviously a warehouse, probably owned by the Xu Fu. There were stacks of crates lining the walls and creating new walls, but a space had been cleared in one corner. A stone slab had been placed prominently in the centre, the surface traced with lines of grooves that all led to a hole on one side. To catch his dripping blood, Shito realized with another shudder.

This was not going to be one of the times Toho was satisfied with mere pain, from all the signs.

"You. Kneel there, and be silent." Toho waved negligently at one corner of the sawdust area, and Chika obediently stumbled over and collapsed down to his knees. Shito saw the boy's hands turn to fists against his thighs, and judging by the rage in Chika's eyes he was fighting the compulsions with everything he had. It wouldn't be enough, Shito knew. It was never enough. Toho was too strong.

"Bend over the table, if you would, Shito Shaoye." Toho was mockingly courteous, speaking as if it was a polite request that Shito could refuse.

"Don't call me that," Shito snapped, trying to hide the way he was shaking as he took a step forward. His eyes were drawn again to the rigid figure of Chika in the corner, and he halted. He fisted his own hands, and shook his head. Damn it, he would not let Akatsuki see him go willingly to his own slaughter. He could at least resist as much as that.

"Ah, your pardon, Shito-sama," Toho corrected himself, bowing slightly, still with that damned fox-faced grin. "You must be feeling truly generous today, giving me those beautiful rebellious eyes so quickly." He leaned in close, running the fingers of one hand down Shito's cheek. "You know how I love to see them."

The gentle caress turned to agony in the space of a heartbeat, and it felt like the fingers Toho trailed over his skin had been coated in fire. Shito sucked in a sharp breath but refused to cry out, knowing there was far worse to come. He did, however, find himself staggering over to the table, just to get away from that burning touch.

Toho transferred his hand briefly to the back of Shito's neck, and that was enough to make Shito bend hastily over the slab. Then Toho did _something_, and it felt like dull spikes had been driven right through his hands, pinning him to the surface. Shito barely managed to choke off his scream, and it emerged as a grunt despite his best efforts. Toho's smile widened a touch at the sound.

It was a game between them, a sick and twisted game that had been going on as long as Shito could remember, though generations of exorcists. They would try to make him scream his throat raw, and he would resist making noise for as long as he could. The exorcists always won, and Toho was particularly creative about his methods of wresting cries from Shito, but it gave Shito something to focus on to keep his sanity in the face of outright torture.

"You pervert," Shito raged, his voice breathless with pain. "You depraved bastard. You have the mind of a maggot, full of filth and rot." For some reason, Toho never punished him for verbal rebellion, only for refusal to follow orders. That made it worse, because the fact that Toho was permitting it meant the defiance was meaningless. All the more so because it was the only defiance he could usually bring himself to make.

"Such loving words, Shito-sama," Toho said. "You know my heart so well, my perfect monster. I would say that we must be soulmates, but how can that be when you have no soul? Alas."

There was a strangled noise of outrage from the corner. Shito was facing the wrong way to be able to see Chika, but he could imagine the look in the boy's eyes well enough. Chika would never just lie here and allow himself to be hurt, Shito knew. He was stronger than that, stronger than Shito. He would fight to his dying breath.

And yet his resistance would only earn him more pain in the end, so was it that Shito was smarter to give in from the beginning? Or was he just justifying his own cowardice? Knowing that Chika was watching, judging him, made Shito's ever-present shame that much sharper.

Searing agony poured through him, emanating from Toho's light touch on his forehead. Shito's whole body went rigid, and the fact that his jaw locked along with all his other muscles was the only thing that kept him from breaking his silence and screaming. It went on and on, and dark spots danced in Shito's vision as much from the lack of air as from the pain. Only when the exorcist lifted his hand away again could he draw in a ragged breath.

"Pay attention, Shito-sama," Toho rebuked him mildly. "To me, that is, not to your little friend. He _is_ your friend, is he not?" The exorcist leaned over him, brushing his bangs off his forehead. Shito tensed, but this time the gentle touch brought no suffering. "You've been very close to him, lately. Very... open. You're not forgetting our last discussion, are you?"

The thought that Toho had been watching them _that_ closely made Shito's blood run cold. He'd known that the bastard kept constant tabs on him, of course, but he hadn't realized the observation was detailed enough for him to have noticed the subtle changes in his relationship with Chika. What else did he know? Did he know about what had happened the night that had changed everything? How could he, possibly? They'd been alone in Chika's room.

"Perhaps you are even something... more than friends?" Toho suggested, as if he could read Shito's very thoughts. Another sound from the corner made the bastard's smile go wider still. "That would be an unfortunate lapse in judgement, Shito-sama. Shall I remind you why?"

"Go fuck yourself," Shito snapped, straining against the invisible spikes that pinned him to the table like a butterfly on display. "You disgusting son-of-a-bitch. You don't know anything. We're not friends, and we're certainly not more than that! He's nothing to me but a useless pain in the ass."

This time the noise from Chika sounded... hurt, as if Shito had just ripped his heart open. Once again Shito was grateful that he couldn't see the boy, because it was hard enough to make himself say the words as it was. He _had_ to convince Toho that Chika meant nothing to him. That Toho couldn't torture Chika in order to hurt Shito. Because the bastard would do exactly that, and he would make Shito watch every excruciating second of it, and he would laugh while he did it.

"It sounds like he believed something different," Toho taunted him. He placed a hand in the small of Shito's back, and another invisible spike slammed through his spine. This time Shito _did_ scream, a short, choked noise that trailed off into a helpless whimper.

"Shall I show him what it means to love a monster, Shito-sama?" Toho asked, his voice a soft, deadly purr. "Shall I show him the things you enjoy most, the way you beg me so sweetly to hurt you?"

"No," Shito rasped, closing his eyes so he wouldn't have to look at Toho's smug satisfaction. It wasn't an answer to Toho's questions - it was a denial of what was coming, of what he knew would happen. Toho _could_ make him beg for it, no matter how much Shito despised himself for his weakness.

"Oh, yes, I think I shall," Toho answered him anyway. Another searing flash of magic swept over him, and then Shito shivered as he felt the chill air touch his skin. All of his skin, everywhere except where his chest and abdomen were pressed against the stone table. Toho had stripped his clothes from him just that easily, and the shreds of his dignity with them.

"Bleed for me, my love," Toho crooned, and a line of acid etched itself over the curve of Shito's shoulder. Whether it was a real knife or just solidified magic didn't matter. It had the same result. Shito could feel his flesh parting beneath the blade, feel the slow trickle of fluid trace its way over his skin. Zombies didn't bleed the way a living human did; their blood was thick and viscous, and his more so than most. But he _did_ bleed, and it hurt just as much as if it was a fountain of gore.

Again and again Toho cut him, sometimes lightly, sometimes so deeply Shito wondered if the muscles would function afterwards. Shito cursed him all the while, the stream of vitriol almost automatic, his only way to relieve the pressure of pain. He didn't struggle, not because of the bolts pinning him down or because he was afraid it would cause Toho to damage him badly by accident, but simply because he knew it was futile.

And all the while Toho's magic worked on him, seeping into his body and sliding along his nerves, making him shudder with pleasure as well as pain. This was the worst of it, the unthinkable pleasure that came with unbearable agony. The spells and conditioning of generations of exorcists ensured that the more Shito hurt, the more he was pleasured. Shito gasped and panted as his cock hardened, as his body yearned for more even as it shuddered away from the pain.

Slowly Toho worked his way down Shito's body, each motion careful and precise. Somewhere around his lower back Shito realized what the bastard was doing; he was _carving a symbol_ into Shito's flesh, turning his body into the instrument of the exorcist's magic. The gods alone knew what the symbol would do when it was complete.

Despite himself Shito rocked against the table, desperate for relief from the building tension of pleasure within his body. "Ah, ah," Toho chided, and the fire of agony surged briefly. "You know you must ask permission, Shito-sama."

"Please," Shito begged, tears of shame and rage sliding over his face. He wasn't certain what he was begging for - release from the pain, or the release of orgasm. Or maybe he was certain, and just didn't want to admit it to himself. "Oh gods, please. Toho."

"Good monster," Toho praised him, and Shito felt ribbons of paper sliding up his legs, trailing over the sensitive skin of his inner thighs. The paper constructs had no will of their own, and could exert very little pressure on his body. The tickling touch as they reached out and curled around his cock was almost more torture than relief. It was just enough to stimulate without being enough to push him over the edge, and he moaned in helpless need.

Now each slice into his flesh was matched by a squeezing stroke from the constructs, marrying pleasure and pain into a dizzying spiral that left Shito breathless and sobbing. Despite his best efforts he cried out hoarsely with each cut, his curses gone incoherent as his mind scattered to the winds.

The blood loss was starting to affect him now, his erection flagging despite the relentless surge of pleasure that Toho forced him to feel. Even so he could feel his balls tightening, knew that the end couldn't be far. He begged for it, yearned for it, if only so everything would _stop_.

Assuming Toho let it end there. He might back off just long enough for Shito to recover, and then do it all again. And again, and again, until Shito wasn't sure if he would die of the pain or the pleasure.

"Look." The command was implacable, and Shito forced his eyes open obediently, but whatever it was that Toho wanted him to see, it wasn't in his line of sight. He couldn't summon the strength to turn his head. Perhaps Toho understood that it wasn't rebellion that kept Shito from obeying, because he only grasped Shito's chin in gentle fingers and turned him so he was facing the other way.

Towards Akatsuki, who was still kneeling in the corner, making strangled noises of denial. Akatsuki, whose eyes were filled with so much horror and revulsion and loathing that it made Shito cry out with a pain far worse than anything Toho could inflict on him.

"You see?" Toho whispered into his ear, his words for Shito alone. He made a last cut into the flesh of Shito's thighs, deeper than all the rest, and the symbol was complete. Shito screamed outright as the magic caught him up and flung him over the edge of orgasm, the symbol of despair and control binding him tighter than ever to Toho. The orgasm went on and on, until it became just another kind of torture, too much stimulation for his overcharged system to handle.

Despite the convulsions of his body, despite the way it felt like his mind matter shatter completely beneath the onslaught of conflicting sensations, Shito could still hear Toho's words as clearly as if they echoed directly into his brain. "See how he looks at you, now that he knows what a true monster you are," the exorcist taunted him. "You are not one of them, and you can never _be_ one of them. They will reject you, all of them. Their world is not yours."

No matter how hard he tried, Shito couldn't close his eyes again, couldn't block the sight of Akatsuki's disgusted expression. It was true, it was all true. He'd always known it, deep in his heart - but he'd dared to forget, to deny, to reach out and trust.

He was a fool, and now he would pay the price for his pathetic lack of judgement.

Except for the light contact here and there, Toho hadn't touched him personally. He never did. His smile hadn't shifted by one iota, and there was no way to tell if he was affected in any way by what he'd done. Shito had no idea if the bastard went away and jerked off to the memory of the tortures he'd inflicted, or if the whole thing was as cold and calculated as squashing a bug. In some ways, not knowing what truly motivated the exorcist made it all so much worse.

In the end the pain and bloodloss and exhaustion of the drawn out orgasm defeated him, and he finally got his wish for oblivion. The last thing he saw was Akatsuki's eyes, and he knew it was a sight that would haunt him for decades to come.

Then there was only blessed blackness, and a release from all things.

* * *

"I'm gonna do my homework in my room, guys. I'll see you at dinner." Akatsuki slung his bag across his shoulder, his eyes down and voice uncharacteristically soft.

"Don't you have work tonight, Chika-kun?" Kita asked, surprised.

"Nah." Akatsuki shrugged. "The boss gave me the week off. He said if I was gonna get sick, I could at least not give it to everyone else." He didn't meet her eyes as he spoke. He wouldn't meet anyone's eyes these days, and he wouldn't look at Shito at all, as if he could deny the other zombie's very existence if he just refused to _see_. Small wonder his boss thought he was ill, since he didn't know zombies couldn't get sick.

Shito might have been worried by the behaviour, if Akatsuki hadn't been acting exactly the same way all week. Ever since the night Toho had forced them to that warehouse.

Ever since Akatsuki had seen the truth depths of Shito's shame for himself.

"Study, yeah, right," Shito snorted. "Going to goof off and play video games, more like. Useless waste of space." He hated himself a little for reacting like this, for lashing out at his partner because Akatsuki was repulsed by Shito now. As if Akatsuki was to blame because he couldn't bring himself to be friends with a monster.

As if it was Akatsuki's fault that Toho had spoken the simple truth.

And yet, Shito couldn't help but feel that if he could just provoke Akatsuki into a fight, into the sort of simple rage that had once been so easy to spark between them, it would make everything right again. Like anger could somehow wash away the aftermath, and return things to the way they had been. He knew it was futile, but he couldn't stop himself from trying. And so he kept picking and picking at it like trying to pry off a scab, even though it hurt and he knew it would probably make things worse in the end.

Almost, almost, Akatsuki looked up at him. He seemed to remember himself at the last moment, focusing his gaze intently on his shoelaces instead. "If you wanna go hunting, just say so," he said quietly, not rising to the bait. "I'll go, no problem. But otherwise, I'll be in my room."

He would go, too, that was the worst of it. He would trail Shito like a silent, faithful puppy, fighting like an automaton and doing his best to stay out of Shito's way. Not arguing, not teasing, not... not _Chika_.

It was too much. "Get back here," Shito snapped, glaring at Akatsuki's back as he headed away down the hall. The boy just shook his head, walking a little faster, so Shito started after him. "Damn it, Akatsuki, I'm talking to you. Look at me!"

Without a word Akatsuki broke into a run. Cursing, Shito bolted after him, but he wasn't fast enough to catch up before the boy could reach his room. He managed to close the distance enough to prevent Akatsuki from slamming the door in his face, at least. He caught it with one hand and wrenched it open, refusing to allow Akatsuki to force it closed.

Only when he was safely across the threshold did he shut the door. Akatsuki hovered in the middle of the room like he wasn't sure what to do with himself, looking anywhere but at Shito. The parallels to the last time Shito had been in this room made the tableaux even more absurd than it already was.

"I've had it," Shito announced, eyes narrowed as he watched Akatsuki try to pretend he wasn't there. "Do you hear me? I've had enough of your crap, Akatsuki. Stop fucking tiptoeing around and _look_ at me!" Even if it meant he had to see that horrible expression in the boy's eyes again, at least it wouldn't be this bizarre stalemate they'd been locked in ever since they'd woken in the Zombie Loan office the day after Toho's torture.

"Damn it, Shito, what do you want from me?" Akatsuki cried, sounding like the words had been torn from the depths of his soul, bleeding the whole way.

"I want you to fucking own up and be a man about it, that's what," Shito snapped, pushed past bearing. "Stop _avoiding_ me and just say what you're thinking. Get it over with!" It would happen eventually, Akatsuki couldn't simply ignore him forever. They were bound together in destiny, until they could pay off their loans and be free of their bonds to each other. They had a long way to go before that would happen, and Shito wasn't sure they would even make it that far if things continued as they were.

"All right, all right!" Finally, _finally_ Akatsuki met his eyes. Shito abruptly wished that he'd kept his mouth shut and maintained the status quo. The revulsion and horror were still just as clear in Akatsuki's expression as they had been the night Toho had forced him to look, and it wasn't any easier to face the second time. If anything, it was harder.

"Just say it," Shito commanded harshly, bracing himself for the terrible words that would come. He would let the pain cut into his heart the way Toho had cut into his body, let his emotions bleed out and make certain he would never repeat this mistake. Having opened himself to Chika and been rejected, he knew he would never reach out again.

"I'm sorry!" Akatsuki all but shouted. "All right? I didn't know, and I don't blame you for hating me, but I can't take it back and all I can do is say I'm sorry and it's _not enough_. I'm trying to make it up to you, and I know it'll never happen but..."

"Wait, wait, stop," Shito interrupted. The nearly incoherent babble was so far from what Shito had been expecting to hear that he simply couldn't process it. "What the hell are you talking about, Akatsuki?"

"I'm sorry," Akatsuki repeated miserably. "I... I'm as bad as he is. Worse. You trusted me, and I... _fuck_." He turned away, his shoulders shaking. "And I never even would have realized if he hadn't done that, hadn't forced me to watch, to _see_..."

"Stop raving and start making sense, asshole," Shito said, now thoroughly bewildered. "What did you see?" Not what Shito had thought he had, apparently.

"I..." Chika shook his head, still not looking at him. "That night... you just... you just _stood_ there and let me... you didn't _do_ anything... and it's exactly what you did with him. You just stayed still and let him do whatever he wanted, you didn't even try to stop him. It's the same thing, isn't it? I _thought_ you wanted it too, but you... you thought I'd hurt you if you tried to stop me, didn't you?"

"What. The fuck. Are you _talking_ about?" Shito repeated with what he thought was a great deal of patience. He was starting to think he needed to knock the idiot over the head and drag him to Yuuta, assuming the healer could do anything about insanity. Maybe it was a fever, he was certainly incoherent enough for that.

"Damn it, Shito, did I rape you or not?" Chika shouted, and finally turned to face him. For the first time, Shito realized that the loathing he could see in the boy's eyes was _self_-loathing, and not directed at Shito at all.

All Shito could do was gape at him. He tried twice to speak, and failed. Rape him? Chika had watched the worst that Toho could do, and he could still believe that his actions bore _any_ resemblance to the exorcist's?

Granted, what had happened between the two of them hadn't been because Shito had wanted it, precisely. He'd been testing Chika, pushing him to see what his limits were. He'd also thoroughly enjoyed himself, and it had nothing to do with warped magic or twisted conditioning. In the end, he hadn't regretted it in the least.

His silence was apparently taken as assent, because Chika closed his eyes and looked like he was ready to cry. "I knew it. He said... he said as much. After you passed out. Told me all about the way he's fucked with you, and why you'd just gone along with me. And what you said, about me not meaning anything to you... Oh gods, I'm sorry."

Shito twitched at the confirmation that Toho knew exactly what had happened between them, but that wasn't the important detail at the moment. Even the fact that Chika had been made privy to details about Shito that he'd rather have died than revealed wasn't the important thing.

"It really means that much to you," Shito said, faintly astonished. "Even knowing that I'm broken, that I'm a monster, you care so much that you _might_ have raped me that you've been dragging around for a week like you wanted to die."

"Of course I fucking care, asshole!" Chika snapped, the first genuine anger Shito had gotten out of him since that night. He glared at Shito, fists clenched like he wanted to throw a punch but didn't dare.

Shito surprised both of them when he started to laugh. The sound was more than half relief, and there was a healthy portion of disbelief mixed in, too. How could Chika have seen all that, been told all that, and still be horrified not _at_ Shito, but on his behalf? "That's _it_? _That's_ why you wouldn't look at me, or talk to me, or even acknowledge I was there?"

"I was trying not to hurt you more, bastard!" It looked like the temptation to punch was growing, and that made Shito happier than he'd been all week. It was certainly a vast improvement over the kid gloves Chika had been handling him with until now.

"Idiot." Shito made his tone as scathing as he could, considering he felt like a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders. "Just because I can't stop him from doing what he wants, that doesn't mean I wouldn't kick _your_ sorry ass six ways from Sunday."

"You... what?" Chika couldn't have looked any more surprised if Shito had produced a dead fish out of thin air and smacked him with it.

"You couldn't force me to do something if you wanted to," Shito told him. "And I kissed you, didn't I?" Never mind the complicated reasons he'd done so that had nothing to do with desire. Chika's tiny brain obviously couldn't handle that level of complexity in emotion.

"But... but you said those things... about me..." Chika was obviously floundering, and it made Shito want to laugh again.

"Moron. I was trying to convince him that torturing you wouldn't hurt me. So that he wouldn't _do_ it." Shito shaped his words very precisely and spaced them out, like he was explaining something to a very slow child.

"So... I didn't rape you?"

"Do I need to say it in smaller words?" Shito taunted him.

That made Chika growl, and this time he didn't resist the impulse to fist his hand in Shito's shirt and yank him closer. "Hey! You bastard, here I've been _angsting_ this whole fucking time, thinking I'd _hurt_ you, and you're making _fun_ of me?"

"It's not my fault you're too stupid to know the difference between rape and willing sex," Shito said, smirking. Chika angry and yelling at him was the most appealing thing he could remember seeing in a long time. The horror and revulsion in Chika's eyes were being pushed further aside by the moment.

Chika hauled back to punch him, but Shito pre-empted him. He grabbed the boy by the collar and forcibly closed the last few inches between them, kissing him fiercely. Chika resisted for a heartbeat, then moaned and returned the kiss whole-heartedly.

When they broke apart this time, they were both breathing a little faster and Chika seemed uncertain where to look again. He licked his lips, and hesitantly met Shito's gaze. "Does, uh, that mean you'd wanna do it again?"

"If you've got the balls to try," Shito said, still smirking. "You certainly could use the practice. Your technique still sucks."

"Hey! I do not suck," Chika protested, but the anger was half-hearted at best, and a tentative smile was fighting to break through.

Shito wanted to smile back, but he couldn't bring himself to relax just yet. "He won't give up, you know," he warned softly. "He'll never let me think I can get away with... with having someone." Someone to trust, someone to open up to, maybe even someone to care about. No, Toho would never - _could_ never - allow that.

"Fuck him," was Chika's defiant opinion. "He's an asshole, and I'm not going to let an asshole dictate who my friends are." Now it was his turn to smirk, though the expression was still just a little tentative. "Unless you're scared, of course."

Drawing a deep breath, Shito shook his head. If Chika could defy Toho... well, Shito could never do it on his own, but maybe he could borrow a little of that insanity for himself. "If you don't think I'm a monster after all of that, then I guess you never will," he said. "So... I'll trust you, Chika." It hurt to say out loud, a physical pain in his chest... but it was like the satisfied aching in his body after Chika had gotten him off, that time. A good pain, with nothing evil twisting it.

It was worth it, for the look of shocked delight that crossed the boy's face. But Shito couldn't let him get too complacent, or he might think he'd won somehow. "Now stop moping around and let's go hunt," he said firmly. "You've been such an idiot all week that we're behind."

"Who's been an idiot?" Chika snapped, releasing him and stalking away to grab his jacket. "You're the one who thought I'd be enough of a loser to hate _you_ because Toho's a fucking asshole."

"You are a loser," Shito replied promptly. "In so many ways I can't count them all. Now are we going, or not?"

"Oh, I am so gonna make you pay for that," Chika threatened, a light in his eyes that had nothing to do with anger and made a lick of warmth curl inside Shito's stomach. It felt so good to be arguing again, bantering and snapping and taunting each other for all they were worth.

Things would never be the same again, that much was true. But Shito thought that maybe they would end up even better than before.


End file.
